“I suck.” That’s what I think every time I put some kind of public message out there that looks like this – “I’ll get that tutorial up for you this week!” – already knowing that I’m overextended and have little-to-no-chance of getting that tutorial posted. And then this week becomes next week. And then the guilt starts loading up. And then I start beating myself up for not getting to it yet. And then I start thinking about it when I should be thinking about something important, like my family or my work. And then I start thinking everyone is waiting for it and I haven’t delivered. And so on, and so forth. Anyone with me on this?
Then, in an attempt to save my sanity, I go ‘Oprah’ on myself. “Why do you get upset that you don’t have time to do everything you want to do? Is that your ego getting in your way?” And then I tell myself that I am good enough just by being me, and doing what I can within the time that I have. And I am sharing good information when I can. And I am a good mom. And my kids will be okay when they get older. And I am smart enough to be an expert at my job. And so on, and so forth.
I saw that Ego was a topic this week on Oprah’s new life class. And it’s a word that I’ve had so much experience with during this lifetime – and on so many levels – from both within myself and from others – that I sat down and took the time to watch the webcast with her and Eckhart Tolle. I definitely got some new things to think about in that hour. And new ways to become aware of my ego, and others’ egos, and how ego elbows its way in to so many different situations.
I recognize a lot of those situations here in blogland. I’d like to think I’m evolved, but I’m definitely guilty of letting my ego sneak in and sometimes even take over. Do you compare the number of followers you have to the number of followers a ‘popular’ blog has? I have. Ego. Do you wonder why they have so many followers and you don’t? I have. Ego. Do you look at the number of Google followers a fellow blogger has, then look at their archive to see how long they’ve been blogging so you can see if you are ahead or behind their popularity? I have. Ego. Do you get a twinge of envy when a fellow blogger announces some great news that will either boost their visibility or give some kind of financial reward? I have. Ego. Do you ask yourself why your blog isn’t good enough for a magazine to approach you for a feature? I have. Ego.
As embarassing as it may be to put all of those things above in writing – I am always trying to better match my intentions with my actions. What does that mean? It means that when my intention is to celebrate the creativity and success of others – I need to embrace that creativity and success – without judgement of myself or others.
It means that I have to check – and double check – my ego at the door when I see good things happening to fellow bloggers, and I remind myself that someone else’s success doesn’t negate me in any way. Nor should it threaten me. It means that I work hard to genuinely appreciate the talents of other DIYers, without trying to compare my projects to theirs, or think that I am somehow ‘less than’. And it means that I am really coming to terms and embracing ‘my voice’ in blogland – one that promotes DIY design and decor made from materials that already exist on the planet. It’s that voice that I am most passionate about. And it is that voice that gives me the most pleasure.
It is my ego that thinks my blog should be more than what it is. It is my real evolved self that knows it is exactly what it needs to be.
Until next time…